How to listen? (especially in a remote-first world)
Well, we are just over a year and a half into this pandemic, and things still haven't gone back to how they were. Maybe they never will, and perhaps that's a good thing.
Regardless, we are still in it, and while some have thrived and adapted quickly to it, some are still figuring it out.
Something that I struggled with adapting to quickly was listening. Primarily in a work setting where teams are across timezones, distributed, and mainly pixels on a screen. I'm what my friends call a social introvert. I'm at my best in a small but face-to-face group setting. Working with a large number of faces on a screen didn't feel natural, and work kept seeming more and more transactional.
Context
I've worked on multiple teams now where the leads have said some version of "How do we make everyone on the team feel heard?". While this always comes from a place of caring, it focuses on gratification and the feeling of being heard versus actually listening. I've been guilty of this too. That was the original title of this post. Fortunately, I wrote the title well before reflecting, talking to a few friends who are naturally better at it than I am and gaining the learnings below. Once you internalize the difference, teams feeling heard becomes a side effect of truly listening. Below are three actionable changes you can incorporate to listen better.
Strong opinions loosely held
This was one of our core team values at WeWork (h/t to my manager, Jack, for this one!). You have strong opinions if you've done your work, and gathered learnings from data, insights, and customer feedback. Given your experience, you are willing to bet on your opinion being right. However, you also know that your experiences bias you. You are working with intelligent folks with their perspectives. So you can change/adapt your opinions.
I love and try to strive to live by this value. However, it's really easy to lean towards having strong opinions strongly held and being a terrible listener.
So, how do you balance your conviction with listening?
Share all the research early and before you've formed any opinions. Level the playing field when it comes to information gathering and sharing.
State your opinions clearly and encourage/seek disagreement. Don't debate or defend your statements at this point. This is the most challenging behavior to check (🤚🏽 guilty).
Ask the folks with the strongest opinions to argue the other side. Do this for your ideas as well (even when not asked).
It's easy to rationalize debating as a medium for finding holes in an argument early. But when done along with stating an opinion, it leaves little room for listening.
Make it part of your recipe
Listening doesn't happen in one magical moment, and the people who are better listeners build rituals around it. Lane Shackleton's "two-way writeups" is an excellent example of bringing a ritual into written documents to drive collaborative decision-making.
Three things you can add to your recipe:
Hold pre-mortems with your teams for product launches. If you are looking for a template, Shreyas Doshi has a simple pre-mortem framework you can use.
Separate decision-making from debate; set a decide by date and a decision-maker before the discussion. Choose how much time the group will debate upfront based on impact and reversibility of decision.
Show it; don't say it. Show you listen by incorporating feedback, addressing issues. In your one-on-ones, seek feedback and ask for specifics. Integrate at least some feedback immediately and explain why you are not addressing other issues.
Bring good vibes and have fun
So much of listening is how you communicate. The energy you bring sets the tone for how you listen. Think about someone you work with who, in your opinion, is a good listener. There is a good chance you also find them easy to talk to. A few things like team t-shirts, birthday surprises, happy hours, etc. all help bring good vibes. But ask your friends what will really help you. My friends suggested I look into improv. 😳
Two key moments where it will get more challenging (and may even be wrong) to bring good vibes:
Debates that get emotionally charged. It's compelling to get out of a difficult discussion by making a quick decision; instead, take a time out and return.
Silences. Get comfortable with them. Nothing will replace the right question in a conversation to learn from and listen to others. But silence is your next best option, and if it helps, count to 10.
Tweaks for a hybrid or remote world
A few non-obvious tactical things for the remote first world:
Don't get into real-time debates over mediums like Slack or Zoom. Chat is the worst medium for communicating intent. Instead, take the time to do it over documents. It will allow you to state clearly and then seek feedback or disagreements quickly. It also has the added benefit of posterity and will save countless meeting hours.
If you need synchronous communication for further clarification, use video over chat. More importantly, don't use the screen sharing feature of these platforms. Google Docs, Notion, Miro, Figma, etc., all have real-time collaboration features built-in. Use those instead, as they make collaboration a lot more egalitarian. Plus, seeing everyone's cursor is a lot more fun than watching a screen share.
Create a ritual around sharing insights, user interviews, and learnings without immediately tying them to the next steps. This leaves room for feedback and separates out decision-making.
Good Reads on Listening
Ximena Vengoechea's book, Listen Like You Mean It: Reclaiming the Lost Art of True Connection, is an absolute must-read.
Kim Scott's book, Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity, while more of a management book, has many principles that also apply to being a better listener.
Both of these books were an absolute delight to read. I've had a lot of fun reflecting on my habits around listening. If you have thoughts, disagreements, or suggestions, DM me on Twitter @mayankdirect anytime.